Welkom in Nederland
- Lycette Wilson
- Jun 4
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 25
Welkom in Nederland… Now Please Stop Smiling at Strangers
So.
You moved.
You left behind the sunshine, the Woolies, and the freedom to moan about Eskom.
Now? You're in the Netherlands—where smiles are suspicious, rain falls sideways, and people bike like they're being chased by SARS.
You’ve cried in the rain.
You’ve eaten a “kroket” and questioned your life.
You’ve accidentally kissed someone’s eyebrow during a triple cheek greet.
Congratulations, liefie.
You’re one of us now.
Confused. Clenched. But still here.
1. “Alles goed?” = Verbal Jump Scare
Said with a straight face. Meant as a greeting.
But it sounds like they know.
Like they read your WhatsApps.
Me: “Uhm… what did my face do now?”
Them: “Nothing. It’s a greeting.”
Me, already spiralling: “Okay but if I’m dying just tell me.”
2. Smiling in Public = Social Arson
I smiled at someone on the tram.
He flinched, checked his wallet, and looked at me like I just said “I’m a Life Coach.”
Here? You smile = you want something.
Love. Religion. Tupperware sales.
So I now travel like a haunted Stepford wife: Blank stare. Low vibes. Max paranoia.
3. Bike Bell = Dutch for “Prepare to Die”
DING DING
Translation: “Moer yourself out the way, expat. I’m late for yoga and don’t believe in brakes.”
I’ve done the flying duck-and-roll like I’m in a Jason Bourne sequel, just to survive the 5pm cycle stampede.
My shin still twitches when I hear a bell.
4. Triple Kiss = Intimacy Olympics
They lean in. Left. Right. LEFT AGAIN.
Why?
Why so many? What do you want from me?
First time, I kissed someone’s hair, their dog, and almost a coat hook.
Now I just fake a nosebleed and retreat like a bakkie reversing into a braai.
5. Weather Forecast: Sponsored by Lucifer
App says “partly cloudy.”
Reality? Sideways rain, wind with hands, and air that smells like sad cheese.
The Dutch cycle through it with dead eyes and soggy bread.
Me? I show up to the bakery looking like a drowned pigeon with commitment issues.
6. “Doe Normaal” = Emotional Castration
Say something remotely expressive—like “Shoh, this cheese is lekker!”
Immediate response: “Doe normaal.”
Apparently, being loud, dramatic, or joyful is a human rights violation.
Noted.
7. Saying “Shame” Can Get You Deported
In SA: “Ag shame!” = love.
In NL: “Shame?” = curse.
Said it to a kid who fell. The mother looked at me like I hexed him with emotional trauma and unpaid parking tickets.
Now I whisper “shame” in church. Under my breath. With a disclaimer.
8. “Now Now” = Time Warp
Told someone I’d do it “now now.”
Their pupils dilated. Their soul glitched.
I saw confusion, betrayal, and something that looked like a maths equation.
Just say “in 7 minutes if I’m still alive.”
9. “Yoh” = Exiled
Stubbed my toe. Dropped a solid “YOH!”
Everyone in HEMA stared like I just barked.
A kid cried. A man dropped his Gouda.
I miss “yoh.”
I miss me.
10. The Great Boerewors Betrayal (feat. Hotline)
I asked for boerewors.
They handed me a limp, underseasoned sausage spiral that tasted like wet cardboard dipped in despair.
I held it in my hands like Simba. Whispered, “Why?”
I haven’t been the same since.
So now I present:
The Boerewors Breakdown Hotline
0800-MYWORS-IS-MISSING
Press 1 if you’ve cried into chakalaka.
Press 2 if you’ve attempted to explain what “real wors” is using interpretive dance.
Press 3 if you’ve threatened to maak jou eie using meat from Albert Heijn and sheer rage.
Press 4 to just cry with another expat over a voice note and talk spice ratios.
Help is available. Emotional support is boerie-shaped.
11. Robot = Dutch Confusion.exe
“Turn right at the robot.”
Dutchie: “W-what? Like AI?”
Me: “No, bru. Traffic light.”
Dutchie: system crash noises
12. Eish = Spiritual Lobotomy
I said “eish” during a staff meeting.
They offered me breathwork classes and a wellness journal.
I just wanted someone to say, “Shoh, that’s .”
Is that too much to ask?
13. Insults = Cultural Minefield
Said “You chop!” to my boss while laughing.
She logged off. HR logged on.
Now we do weekly check-ins and I must smile through LinkedIn therapy quotes.
14. Curtains = Nah
Dutch homes have no curtains. Just open glass and Niks Skaam .
I’ve seen so many dinner tables I now rate them out of ten.
Oom Piet’s meatballs? 7/10.
Karen’s wine pouring technique? World class.
15. Tikkie = Digital Mugging
Shared fries once. ONE fry.
Tikkie arrived: €0.64.
I paid. Then cried. Then emailed the Fry Council for emotional compensation.
16. Dutch Brutal Honesty = Free Trauma
“You’ve gained weight.”
“You look old today.”
“You smell… interesting.”
Is this feedback or a mugging, Brenda?
17. Cycling = Choose Your Fighter
Them: Texting, holding flowers, no hands, speed of light.
Me: Two hands, helmet, shaking thighs, and a prayer.
Still ended up lodged in a hedge named “Daan.”
18. Helaas Pindakaas = Suck It Up, Buttercup
Means: “Too bad. Peanut butter.”
Said when your visa gets denied, your train gets cancelled, or your heart breaks.
There’s no hug. Just a smear of verbal peanut sadness on your soul.
19. Swearing = Medical Emergency
Dutch oom yelled “kankerlijer!” in public like he was blessing a sneeze.
I nearly called an ambulance.
For myself.
20. Birthday Conga Line of Doom
You must congratulate everyone. Even the cousin’s side hustle and the plant in the hallway.
I once shook hands with a soap dispenser.
We’re now Facebook friends.
So, ja…
Welkom in Nederland.
Where:
Rain falls sideways.
Strangers won’t smile.
And you need a PhD in emotional restraint to survive a birthday party.
But you’re still here.
Wetter. Wiser.
Wondering what you just ate from that FEBO machine.
And guess what?
You’re still bloody lekker.
Written by Lycette from Coolest Xpat Vibes
Friendly. Relatable. Empowering. With sarcasm, expat chaos, and a strong rooibos energy.
TikTok: @satonl_lycette
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